But before long, I began to notice something strange about my purchase. With every step, a slight tugging sensation and odd popping noise emanated from the bottom of each shoe. Upon closer inspection, I uncovered the source of these anomalies, and with it, the shocking secret identity of my new kicks.
You see, while examining the shoes, I discovered an array of strategically placed, subtly concave dimples pressed into each sole. How unusual, I thought. For some reason, my new sneakers seemed to be equipped with what can only be described as suction cups:
Now, why on earth would an ordinary-looking pair of sneakers come with suction-cupped soles? There can only be one possible explanation. My new shoes are ... wait for it ... SUPERSHOES!!!
I mean, what other purpose could such high-utility footwear have? Clearly, these sneakers were designed for gravity-defying feats like scaling walls, walking on ceilings, and clinging to high skyscraper windows – you know, the ususal tricks for fighting crime and avenging the wrongs of evildoers everywhere.
And what better disguise for a dynamic duo of Supershoes than as the everyday sneakers of a dorky, homebody blogger with decidedly casual fashion sense?
Of course. It all makes sense now.
I can only assume that the person who dons these Supershoes is meant to be a dashing crusader for peace and justice. And with this charge comes the duty to steadfastly guard the shoes' secret power, lest they fall into the hands of some comically twisted supervillain bent on total world domination. (Not so fast, Bieber!)
So how I ended up with them is a complete mystery. I mean, my idea of a "hero" usually involves a foot-long roll and extra cheese. I've probably committed more crimes in these shoes than I've prevented. (What can I say? I like to jaywalk). And the whole "eternal struggle between good and evil" thing? Well, I just deal with that by not voting Republican. (No special sneakers required).
Nevertheless, it is an honor and a privilege to have these Supershoes gracing my less-than-super feet. I may not be the caped crime fighter for whom they were intended. And I may only wear them while avoiding danger, rather than seeking it out. But as long as they're in my care, these spiffy new sneaks are sure to see plenty of exciting, walking-to-the-donut-shop action, and are destined for the sedentary glory of an amateur-blogger way of life.
So keep up the good fight, my amazing, brave Supershoes. I salute you!